The Adventuress

Tuesday Treasure Trove: Numero IX

by Amber on July 25th, 2006

Hail, my minions! How art thou? I amith finith!

Yes! I am stalling!

I did not play a game over the weekend.

Well, that’s not true. I watched my brother play Kingdom Hearts II in my living room that was about 2,000 degrees. I hate living in the desert… with an air conditioner that doesn’t work. How am I expected to play the awesome adventure games when I can’t see through my sweat?! TELL ME PLEASE!!!

So, for today’s Treasure Trove, I will reach the DARK RECESSES OF MY MIND and try to remember a game I haven’t played for YEARS.

Now, to do this, I will have to do 10 back flips in a row and then run around in circles.

Excuse me for a minute.

……. (20 minutes pass) …….

AHHH!! My brain has been rejuvenated!

TODAY! I will review The Curse of Monkey Island by the EVIL Satan like developers from HELL, LucasArts. As you may recall, I am not a fan of the LucasFarts. They used to be awesome back in their hey day, with all their awesome adventure titles. Then they went to the dark side and now all they do is try to use “The Force” and they’ve come up with a bunch of POO! That’s right! I said it! POO!

Here is what I say to you, LucasFarts!

MUAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!

I feel long winded today, so if you haven’t ever play The Curse of Monkey Island or don’t want to be spoiled, do not proceed, my friends. Do not proceed.

Alright, so I’m going to get on with my entry for the day. Like I said, I shall speak of The Curse of Monkey Island.

In the Curse of Monkey Island, we start out with our hapless hero, Guybrush Threepwood. He is drifting along forlornly in a carnie’s bumper car in the middle of the ocean without any hope in the world. He writes his last words in his good ol’ journal as he feels he is soon going to perish. He’s so hungry, but there’s nothing to eat. He’s so thirsty, but there’s nothing to drink. If only he had some fruit to clear up the scurvy he knew he would acquire.

Poor lonely Guybrush.

But, as this nincompoop drifts along the currents of the open seas, a battle is ensuing close to him and he doesn’t even realize it. If only knew there was safety only a few hundred feet away. But wait! A shot from a skeleton’s lucky cannon and Guybrush is ripped out of his revere and thrown cruelly into the icy cold waters of the Caribbean (yes, I know they’re not ICY COLD. It’s TROPICAL. I’m trying to set up a story here!).

Alas, for poor Guybrush, he is picked up by a ghost pirate ship where he is then interrogated by the only other living being on the ship, Willy. Willy is all of 4 feet, but he packs a mean whollop! He carries a gun and a hook and no one shall cross the evil Willy.

But Guybrush remembers Willy from his past. A dark past, filled with acid and ropes and a monocle! You see, Willy was in another adventure from Guybrush’s past, in which LeChuck was seeking his revenge for stealing the only woman LeChuck had ever known, Elaine.

Willy is an angry bastard.

Guybrush couldn’t believe that Willy had sunk so low as to become a dirty pirate on the decks of LeChuck’s dirty ghost pirate ship.

Guybrush knows he can save Willy before he, too, becomes an evil dead pirate. After much poking and proding of Willy’s character, Guybrush finds that Willy doesn’t really want to be a pirate. He’s unhappy at his current post, but LeChuck made it sound so good. Willy weeps his heart out onto the deck of the ghost ship and is no longer useful to the Ghost Pirate LeChuck.

With Willy out of the way, now Guybrush can get back at those dirty rotten skeletons. He looks out a porthole, which also happens to house a cannon. While peeking out into the vastness of the sea, he spots skeletons on the horizon, floating in life boats. These skeletons are attacking an island in the distance. An island that holds Guybrush’s love, Elaine. Guybrush now knows what he must do. He must save Elaine.

With that in mind, Guybrush takes to the cannons and starts annihilating the skeleton horde in their ships. One by one, Guybrush takes the skeletons out. He must remember, however, that the skeletons are undead beings and cannot be killed. As Guybrush sticks his head out the porthole once again to take view of the carnage he has inflicted upon the undead crew, he finds a skeletal head floating amongst the rubble.

He comes to find out that this floating head is Murray, an evil undead overlord who will destroy you if you so much as lay a finger on him. After a brief conversation with Murray, you decide enough if enough of his lipless head and you push him into the depths of the sea with a good ol’ stick.

Goodbye good Murray. You will be missed.

Eventually, Guybrush’s arch nemesis, LeChuck, pulls out a voodoo cannon ball with the intent of making Elaine his undead bride once again. Unfortunately for LeChuck, the cannon ball falls to the deck of the ship and an explosion sounds.

With the explosion, the ship has gone belly up and now Guybrush is in quite the predicament. He is in the hull of the ship with no way out. He does, however, find the riches of LeChuck’s boat, such as a diamond ring that he feels will be perfect for Elaine. He will ask her hand in marriage.

He loves the voodoo that you do…

But how will he get out? He looks amongst the rubble of the ship and finds a porthole. He believes he can fit through the porthole, but with the water pressing against it, he is unable to open the blasted thing. He realizes he has just the thing to cut through porthole glass, however, and takes his newly found diamond ring, presses against the glass firmly and cuts out a wide circle.

He did not realize, however, that water would come rushing in after the integrity of the glass was compromised.

When Guybrush wakes up next, he is on the shore of the island his love, Elaine, was on. He finds her and asks for her hand in marriage. As he puts the ring he found upon the ship onto Elaine’s finger, Willy, your good ol’ pal recognizes the ring as a Voodoo pirate ring that turns anyone who wears it into gold. Elaine, in her rage, starts to pull a fist back to pulverize Guybrush and turns into stone.

Now Guybrush must find a way to save his love from the cold grasps of the golden princess that she has become. Guybrush is on his way to another adventure, once again.

Guybrush comes across a familiar voodoo lady who seems to follow him from island to island. Strange, yes, but in a way, Guybrush is thankful for she has given him a clue as to what he needs to do to save Elaine. He must find Blood Island, for it holds an uncursed ring that will bring Elaine out of her voodoo coffin of doom.

She is a wise voodoo lady.

With a new mission in life, Guybrush must find a crew, a boat and of course, a map to Blood Island.

After speaking with the voodoo lady, it comes to pass that Elaine is STOLEN! She is, after all made of pure gold.

Now, Guybrush must find his lady love AND a ship, map and crew.

As Guybrush wanders this new island oasis of Puerto Pollo, or The Port of Chickens in English, he meets new people. He must put a crew together, all of whom he must recruit from the local barber. Each of the barbers, however, have a different task that you must accomplish.

The barbers three

The Port of Chickens.

After accomplishing these tasks, he now has a crew.

He also gets a ship from a mischievous bunch of monkeys and must also get a map, which just happens to be located on someone’s back.

I wish my Captain was an ape. OH THE POWER I WOULD HOLD.

Mr. Threepwood then sets sail after collecting all items needed, but how can you be a pirate without the use of insults in a close combat fight? Guybrush also must acquire a sharp tongue, or he will perish on the seven seas.

I know! I shall continue tomorrow!!!

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POSTED IN: Reviews, Treasure Trove Tuesday